Sometimes Your “But” Gets in the Way: Tailoring Your Talk to Leaders
For being just three simple letters, the word “But” is surprisingly powerful in communication. Technically, it’s a conjunction and, like its grammatical cousins “And” and “Or”, it shows a relationship between two clauses. But unlike its cousins, “But” has a way of polarizing the conversation and causing the person hearing it to adopt a posture of defensiveness or opposition. “And” and “Or” generally extend existing points or open additional opportunities along the same trajectory, but “But” signals that there’s a change or contradiction coming. It can be the linguistic version of a “Bridge Out” sign or “Hairpin Turn Ahead” and it can cause others in the conversation to grab the wheel tightly or slam on the brakes.
Generally speaking, in our communication to leaders, this is not the response we hope to inspire. Even in disagreement, we hope to communicate in ways that keep our listeners attentive and open to our interests and influences. Unfortunately, our "Buts" can get in the way and distract or derail our efforts.
I once worked for a person who was deeply and unconsciously aware of people’s “Buts”. He was a very directive leader and expected his instructions and ideas to be implemented assertively. He frequently responded to any challenge to his ideas as though it was a challenge to his authority. This made it hard to discuss his directives or any specifics of implementation without seeming insubordinate. The toughest moments were when he articulated a goal to me and identified specific means of achieving it, and I recognized that the two were at odds. The goal was laudable, but the means identified weren’t going to achieve it; in fact, the actions would likely cause only new problems or embarrassment. Of course, I could simply have implemented the flawed plan, but it was my responsibility to serve him well, so I struggled to articulate the problem or suggest other courses of action without seeming reticent about the goal or insubordinate to his authority. I found it difficult to make this distinction despite trying several strategies:
Strategy 1: Early in our relationship, I thought I should clarify my support up front, so I tried to affirm his goal before identifying my concern (“That’s a great goal, but I think this plan might cause us problems or miss the mark…”) but that didn’t work. His agitated demeanor and response made it clear that his thought I was critiquing his vision. He clearly felt that I wasn’t “on board” and let me know how he felt about that.
Strategy 2: I tried extending the initial affirmation part and making it more specific to emphasize my suppor— “That’s a great goal that seems essential to our mission and is bound to distinguish us from our competition; I’d be proud to help achieve it, but I think this particular plan might cause us problems…” Nope, that didn’t work either and I still had a “demeanor” problem-- the more I did this, de meaner he got.
Strategy 3: After these first forays, I adjusted again and tried to make the second part of my response both more positive and tentative— “That’s a great goal that seems essential to our success and will distinguish us from our competition; I’d be proud to help achieve it, but I wonder if there is a way to achieve it even faster and more fully than this particular course of action…” No dice. Even after all this polishing and positioning, he still seemed to hear only my reservations. I was increasingly frustrated and he remained convinced that I wasn’t really “with” her.
Eventually I discovered that the flaw was simply my “But”. That little word was so powerful in signaling opposition that nothing I did to decorate it or qualify it could temper the overall negative takeaway for my boss. Once the word “But” was introduced, it was as if some kind of unconscious switch got flipped inside him and the rest of the conversation really didn’t matter, or worse, it got retranslated through his mental filter filter to sound like genuine opposition or complaint.
I tested this hypothesis and eventually adopted a simpler but almost nonsensical strategy that proved my theory and improved my communication: I simply stopped using the word “But” and substituted “And” in its place. I would affirm the leader’s stated goal and then say “And…” and proceed to describe an alternative or even contradictory course of action. I changed nothing else in my communication, so my statements were often grammatically incorrect or even technically contradictory, but the result was shocking. The leader did not always agree with or endorse my ideas, but he almost never seemed to think that I was not in agreement with his. Where previously he spent most of his communication shoring-up or simply reiterating his directions or ideas, he now at least passingly listened to mine. Where once he viewed me as adversarial and perpetually tried to conform me, he now seemed confident of my allegiance and allowed me to interpret and apply his given priorities.
Over time, I’ve learned that this particular leader was extreme but not alone in his inability to see past my “But”. He was prickly and hypersensitive to dissent or insubordination, but every effective leader has his or her radar running for signs that their subordinates are buying into their vision and direction, and every leader’s ears prick up at the sound of the word “But”.
If you’re not careful, your “But” can get in the way or distract from even your best intentions. You might not be able to keep it entirely to yourself, but you should be wise and careful about how visible it is. Here are three thoughts for your consideration:
No matter where it’s placed, your “But” can make people forget about everything that preceded it. No matter how much time, energy, and eloquence you spend establishing consonance, it can be magically erased from listeners’ memory and conversation by careless use of the word “But”. You say: “You are statuesque and remarkable, classically beautiful like Helen of Troy, but you’re not really my type.” She hears: “You’re ugly.”
“But" can make an interaction feel argumentative even if the spirit and content is not. In communication, the takeaway is often more than simply the sum of the parts, and how communication feels to participants is often more important than what it consists of. Regardless of the actual transcript, relationships grow when communication feels productive and affirming to the participants and sputter when the lingering vibe is adversarial or disagreeable.
Does this situation make my “But” look big? Since a great deal of the word’s effect occurs at the subconscious level, your “But” is biggest when emotion or insecurity is high. Be wary of its weight when the conversation indicates agitation or people seem to be taking things personally. In my experience, this describes some people all of the time (like my boss), but also all people some of the time.